Nerves: Co-regulation
The humility version of affirmations. In self-directed (“self coaching”), instead of convincing yourself of what you want to be, you’re telling it how it is: both what’s happening but reminding that a better way is still possible. Not lying to yourself about what you aren’t yet.
What I found about sensation-based strategies like mindfulness in breathing, 5-4-3-2-1s, and soothing textures (like fur) or smell is that they’re just tape that needs to be kept getting replaced to temporarily “fix the leak” or only temporarily solve the problem. The real issue is actually properly solving the problem, finding the material that will stick to the shape of the hole. That’s co-regulation for me. Because my problems aren’t just “I can’t calm down.” They’re “I can’t calm down because there are things that must be done.” And co-regulating language actually spearheads these root issue thoughts:
“My brain can’t learn effectively when I’m in fear or exhausted. Rest is part of studying.”
- the return effort on studying takes a nosedive. You can technically keep going like I had for most of my student life, but at the cost of sleep and sanity, ultimately creating greater health issues. The effort and the return do not match. It stops being worth it.
- rest isn’t skipping preparation, it’s finishing it.
- I think of a gift box with a ribbon finally being tied to it. Rest is like taking care to neatly wrap a gift box and ribbon so everything inside is organized. So skimping on rest gives me the visual of the gift, or information, being messy and all over the place, not held together, and essentially information like that is useless since I can’t process it or do anything with it at all until it’s organized properly.
- the gift can’t be carried
- i can’t get what i need out of the box because there’s too much to sort through
- I think of a gift box with a ribbon finally being tied to it. Rest is like taking care to neatly wrap a gift box and ribbon so everything inside is organized. So skimping on rest gives me the visual of the gift, or information, being messy and all over the place, not held together, and essentially information like that is useless since I can’t process it or do anything with it at all until it’s organized properly.
“More studying tonight would not create learning, it would only signal danger to my body.”
Like I said, technically I was able to learn through brute force and laying waste to myself. But the cost is too great.
“My body decides my limit, not my fear.”
I’m choosing my well-being over grades now. I can’t keep suffering mentally and physically for exams that on the long-term aren’t even great for learning. Every person I’ve met who works in this field have told me they only use 20% of what they learned in school, and they learn the things that matter when they’re actually on the field. What I put myself through isn’t worth something that isn’t even that good quality on learning.
“My chest feels tight, so I breathe gently.”
Instead of only focusing on the breathing exercises, which sometimes doesn’t even do much about the tightness, I purposely focus on getting my brain to connect the exercise with what I’m trying to solve.
“I let this bread nourish me.” “I let this tea warm me, soothe me, calm me.”
More than just focusing on the textures and temperatures in terms of mindfulness, I’m again focusing on the goal of doing these things. It’s not just about the physical sensation of being grounded. It’s about noticing and making the connection, about paying attention to how these things help me. It reminds me food is there not just to get rid of hunger but as coal for the fire in my head to keep going with studying and processing, even resting which is part of processing. It makes me focus on tea giving me a sense of safety because warmth is what makes me calm down. It’s about noticing what I need and doing something about it and not just noticing what’s happening to the sensations in my body as in simple mindfulness.
When I wake up stressed: “My well-being comes first.” “I come first.” “My nervous system is allowed to take the time that it needs to calm down.”
Connecting to earlier, learning becomes an effortful, ineffective timesink if I do it when I’m frazzled. “Wasting” time to calm down isn’t wasting. It’s necessary so that anything can eventually get done. Focusing on doing my morning routine slowly and purposefully without worrying about how long I take (this is about the weekends) is important, it’s necessary. If I don’t put myself first (in the sense of well-being), things will take way more time and effort to remember one small thing.